Self Gentleness

How being self gentle is being Tart AF

Sharing from my friend Dr. Femke Bakker from her SelfGentleness Academy. When I received this in my inbox I knew I needed to share. Part of being Tart AF is being self gentle - as I recently told a friend - putting yourself first is not selfish (more to come on this in two weeks). I hope you take this with you today and every day - be gentle with yourselves. If you’d like to understand more about your own SelfGentleness - take three minute Femke’s quiz.

Stay tart!

Melanie

Hello one

I don’t know if you recognize this: You’re with someone you care about, your partner, a friend, one of your children, and you ask them what they’d like to do. And right away they turn it around and ask what you would like.

How do you respond? If you’re anything like me, you might return the question, saying something like: “I asked you first…What do YOU want?” And after a little back and forth you settle on what to do together. Or, they tell you what they want and you barely take a moment to check whether it’s also what you want.

Depending on that person, and how well they are able to articulate their own needs and desires, this process can be tricky. Even though I know this, I sometimes step right into it. And honestly, a lot of the time I don’t have a specific ‘want’. I’m just happy to be with that person, wherever we end up.

But every so often I catch myself going along before I’ve actually checked in with myself. If you’re highly empathetic, or highly sensitive, and those two often come together, that reflex to go along can be strong. It was for me. By now, I know I have to be more conscious about it. So, these days, I take a second to tune in and feel whether I’m really okay with it, or whether I’m just pleasing by default.

I’m much better at this than I used to be, and I learned it “the hard way.” I made a short video about how that went, and it went up on YouTube yesterday. If you have five minutes and you’d like a bit more of the story, you’ll find it here.

Behind the scenes

I started working on my upcoming book, The Selfgentleness Perspective. It’s so nice to bring everything I know and have taught so far together. I’m enjoying the process of gathering and structuring it all.

It also made me aware of something. Alongside all of this I have a full-time job at the university, and next to that I love creating for and connecting with my members in the Selfgentleness Academy, making things for Insight Timer and YouTube, writing blog posts and letters to you, and now the book.

I love all of it. That’s exactly the catch. Even the things you love can add up to too much, until there’s no room left for the rest of your life. And there’s a lot of life I want room for: my husband, the people I love, and in particular: time that isn’t pointed at any goal at all. So I’m choosing to protect that on purpose. Taking the selfgentle road, and practicing what I teach.

Thinking of you, and sending you lots of love,

Femke

P.S. In case selfgentleness is still a new word to you: it’s radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. No exceptions.